Once upon a disappointment

I have travelled from afar to come for you my love. I gave the orders to my crew and set sail across the deepest oceans in my emerald crystal cruiser and flew over the highest peaks in my sterling silver concord. I waited a full 2 minutes longer for my non-fat soya milk mocha frappacoffee thing and walked the excruciating 10 steps to the diamond encrusted elevator that led me past your wardrobe sized guards in front of your jaguar protected chamber. Princess, all this I did for you my love.



I kneel before you on this extinct white polar bear rug, with my heart open, my phone on silent and my eyes pleading. Your ring awaits in my photoshopped stretch limo as, even though this is a Marx de Mont Michel De La St Seignourustenfärghbur designer suit it does not in accordance with Paris-fashion have real pockets this season. Do not be deceived fair lady by the flaps under which pockets should reside for they are, as is the mole under your left eye, a decorative but fake addition.

Oh princess! Let me swoop you off your dainty size 7 feet! Allow me to shower you in calorie free champagne and feed you a minimum of 5 pieces of fruit and veg a day! I wish for nothing more than to spend my life with you and become a fearful father to our many, many children most of whom will be of a foreign but domestic servant origin. Nonetheless, I long to hear those magical words from your rouge silicone filled lips! Although your botoxed face cannot show the emotion that your heart is expressing by beating at such an alarming rate I know our love will last as long as the court cases that will eventually tear us apart. Please my princess, do not keep me in such agony! Let us live and love each other today and pluck greedily at our money tree that is flourishing in the garden. Let us publicly expose our love, our affairs and our drug habits fueling rumors which we can sell to seedy magazines for gallons of liquid gold!


Princess, do not keep me waiting much longer! I promise to cherish every moment spent in your delightfully plastic company. Let us love each other till calls are made ensuring that professionally aimed bullets come searing through your window and death do us part.

I love you my beautiful, sweet and malicious princess and I promise to do so until the very bitter end.